Monday, 27 October 2014

Hi I'm back my blog! - The issue of hope and blogging. An essay

I want to write about blogging and hope. Yes the two are more intertwined then you know. This topic arises out of the fact that I set up a blog and abandoned it until know. This post wouldn't just be about this don't worry. 

I wanted to share my work but then my vision disappeared. I no longer had the passion or urgency to do so. I didn't feel anything. I got lost in myself and didn't want to do anything. I'd been without hope for a large period in my life. This isn't something we should be ashamed to admit because its such a natural phenomina. How many of us get out of bed and don't only where to start but don't have the energy and the fire to do so. I had a great passion for blogging and then just like that I lost it one day. There was no energy within me. 

For a while my creativity was going. I had a lot of energy and ideas to give. I drew them out of me put them down on paper and computer. Then my energy and fire where gone. They left me as they had come. I had no desire to write. There was no sensation  within me that told me to go write. I had no ideas. My mind just had no creative thoughts or any urge to do anything creative at all. I was stuck. I didn't have writers block - I had hope block. 

In August (2014) I struggled to get back into writing poetry. I started, wrote, read it and instantly knew there was something wrong. It wasn't working. I felt it - my poem was static, dull and it had no energy - no fire. I wanted to change that. I turned up to my poetry workshop class without my poem (I was on a Study Abroad Year). I didn't lie and I told the truth. The teacher understood and yet she didn't - she thought it was to do with writers block and I did too at the time. Now I know it wasn't.
Often we don't realise that hope drives so many parts of our life forward. Without hope where would be get? Well we would only get as far as the last of our creative energies are drawn out and then we are a broken down car on the side of the road. We can't go any further until we fix ourselves and our hope. 

I stumbled upon a BBC broadcast that I found interesting and this sparked something within me. I wanted to write I felt like I was doing something worthwhile. So that Monday morning I sat in the library and I crafted a poem. A poem with intensity, vision and passion. It wasn’t an easy poem – and well the critique the class gave helped me improve that poem so much. The comments made me able to give the poem so many other dimensions. It’s a grand poem, its an intense poem and it’s a hard poem to read because its about the death of 3 men at different ages and stages in their life not having a chance to live. 

Without hope one doesn’t really have a chance to filful their dreams. They have nothing to steer them their. I know that I had nothing and being in the pits meant that I was stuck hopeless. Only when I managed to write that poem did I manage to get myself unstuck somewhat. I managed to write a poem a week and I wouldn’t lie I struggled. It wasn’t that I lacked inspiration things in my life – they were around but my mind was blocked to them. My mind didn’t see the inspiration – my mind was blind. 

I did try to get myself unstuck. Everyday I would write about my day and what I was up to but I didn’t do very well. I wanted it to be grand and mighty but it wasn’t what I wanted it to be even though it had intensity. This didn’t help give me back my hope. I felt more down trodden then before. When I had a vision and I couldn’t do anything about it – that made me feel ‘crippled.’ A crippled writer who just couldn’t connect with her hope. 

I left myself to my block you could say as I didn’t try to force myself to become ‘uncrippled’ or ‘unblocked.’ It wasn’t that I didn’t do anything. I read and I absorbed. I was able to escape my crippled artist side and enter the world of books where I was accepted and I was face. Nobody would just me on my inability and I wouldn’t judge myself. I wouldn’t beat myself up and in books I had hope. You could say I was a child again and somebody needed to give me hope. 

In the month of May I left on a road trip. This journey across the landscape would affect me deeply. It would affect my mind in ways I hadn’t know. My eyes perceived and my mind was inspired. I wanted to write. There was things I wanted to say and get down. Often I was tried but I did light bits. I fought with my block and I overcame it officially on the 25th of May. I wrote a poem – a dedication to Dodge City. There was a sensation in me and I knew I wanted to write about the place. I wrote dedications like this from the cities we visited and in those poems I wrote down the impression that they left upon me. It was remarkable how my mind perceived and then created something out of that perception. Everything was involved in the process – my eyes, my mind, my heart and my soul. I could feel the places I visited and I could feel the places I captured in my dedications. 

I actively looked for things to write about – for different ways to be creative. I tapped into my ability for creating cartoons and I started a scrapbook. I visited the museum and took pictures of things that sparked something in me, that interested me and that I felt a pull towards. There are pieces of many kinds but the thing that they have in common is that when I saw them they affected me. They affected me and I wanted to write about them – short fiction, poetry -  I didn’t exactly have what I wanted in mind but just knew I wanted them to inspire my work. 

Months latter I would start a poetry collection that would span over 4 months, a calendar poetry collection and non fiction poetry about my childhood/adolescence. The calendar poetry is suffering most I’ll be honest and well I feel guilty about it but then on the other hand I know that I can’t recapture of section of the day again so it would be false to really go back like that. Its not important what I write but that I write everyday and I do write everyday. I might not put something down on paper but my mind is collecting its writing up and new ideas are coming in. I can happily say that my mind is a fertile ground for creativity. 

I’d rather be flooded then it drought.  I’ve been taking into my mind open up doors – hidden nooks there and exploring my creativity. I expect I’ll find something new each time so I’m not surprised but I have hope – so much hope and desire.

I’ve been finding time to do things I love because that’s important in giving one a sense of pleasure and fuliment. What I love to do is read so I’ve been buying and reading things I know I’d enjoy. I’m not only doing something that I find so much pleasure in. In the process I’m learning a lot about myself and it’s urging me to peruse my dream to write a Ya novel. Its been lingering there for a while but I’ve never really acknowledged it as something that might be possible for me but I don’t and wouldn’t doubt myself any longer.   

 I have the energy and the fire to work towards that dream. I give life and presence to the ideas floating around in my head. My mind and eyes perceive and they are inspired by everything. I’m not scared when my mind is spinning with ideas or when I can’t come make myself come back to the real world 100%. I know that I’m heading in the right direction even though they are no sign posts in this land of creativity.  

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